Mark Wilkinson

Usually artist’s renderings of the future are abnormally happy, artificial, perfect little worlds. The In Towner, some DC neighborhood rag, has renderings that are also happy and artificial but fortunately not quite perfect:

This one I like because, while the happy people and 2-D school bus fit my idea of an artist’s rendering, the still-missing letters on the Marie Reed Community Center do not. Very realistic. Very cool.

This one’s a bit more subtle (makes me excited for the next In Towner - what will they hide next?!). Pylons and related municipal junk are ever-present, regardless of whether or not there’s construction going on. I love that it’ll be there in the future too.

This is me reporting on Science magazine reporting on findings reported in the Journal of Archaeological Science. This photo is of what appears to be 200,000 year old-human hairs found in fossilized hyena poop. This is a world record by about 190,000 years.

Was on the road, as a passenger, for once…

Which means my hands are free(er) to take low quality cameraphone photos. This was a pretty sweet little contraption which surely cannot be legal. Can it? Surely doesn’t help with aerodynamics/gas mileage but maybe that’s the price you have to pay to send out your message.

And taxi up ahead had a tumor growing off the side which was totally disgusting. The driver had to take the next exit so we couldn’t get a better view but I think you get the picture.

One of the big questions religious people, philosophers and neuroscientists wrestle with is whether animals are capable of conscious thought - the ability to reflect on their actions, make choices, and remember the what/when/where of an experience.

Well, consider the problem solved - I saw this dog in the Logan Circle neighborhood of Washington DC carrying not one but TWO empty plastic water bottles. No matter how you look at (s)he clearly is more concerned about our environment than most humans, more conscious than us. Either she was really thirsty, and drank two bottles worth and was bringing them home to recycle them. Or she found them as litter and was thoughtful enough to take them home to recycle. Or she was moderately thirsty and drank one and found the other. If she had opposable digits and could walk upright I’m sure she’d be carrying more. If we spoke the same language I would have asked her if she’d carry more if she could but, alas…

If you smoke in this elevator you have to pay hefty price. Hefty for a 4-year old, that is.

This baffled me momentarily. I figured all things frozen are bound to be pretty darn quiescent but I was thinking about it wrong - it’s how they get to become frozen - in a “quiescent” fashion vs. an “overrun” fashion.”

Went to see a movie yesterday and noticed these reviews of Slumdog Millionaire and The Wrestler. They’re pretty long reviews so it’s nice that they PUT THE IMPORTANT PARTS IN LARGE BOLD FONT SO YOU CAN SKIP THE REST.

IT’S TRUE - NO BULL. I mean, this s*%t was SERIOUS. HIT ME HARD. I was FLOORED. I POOPED MY PANTS.

The nice thing is that the people at AMC Loews put these 2 reviews side by side so you could compare them and see that the writer couldn’t compose 2 reviews of different movies without using the same uncommon adjectives to describe both.

The Diner is a restaurant in DC that’s pretty cool/normal. They got a new sign though that makes me think maybe they’re becoming less cool: crazy fancy? (It’s not crazy fancy at all. What the heck are they talking about?)

America is cool again. The Diner jumps aboard.

I love the AM Briggs logo. There’s something about it’s simplicity and style combined with the fact that it’s public signage that says “two dozen cows inside, hanging upside-down by hooks” that creates that kind of conflict inside that good art can do.

Left: the pattern revealed on my water bottle after I peeled off the Dasani plastic (since it is no longer filled with Dasani water but tap water instead). Right: the official GTAA logo. Conclusion: I fly to the Toronto airport a lot and see that logo so much it’s permeated my entire consciousness (plausible), or, the water bottle is telling me to move to Toronto (a challenge I’m hoping to accomplish), or, the water bottle wants to move to Toronto (easy to accomplish).

Clearing out the fridge before Thanksgiving travels and came across these little things. They’re sooo cute!

You can make fine art out of lint. The most efficient way is to get the lint from the lint trap in the dryer. However, purists prefer to, each day, pick a small portion of lint off their clothes and collect them until enough accumulates to make art. My all time hero has collected decades years worth of lint out of his belly button. Unfortunately it stops there - he has yet to make art out of it. Art by Stela Kaloyancheva.

One reason you should be selfless and give people rides home is that you might find jewels like these.

That’s it.

Came across this graffiti where I work at THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS RESEARCH INSTITUTE IN THE WORLD. About 50% of it revolves around football, especially Dallas.

When I was 10 me and another guy wrapped ourselves in shopping bags for Halloween and called ourselves “Diaper Dudes”. Twenty years later I decided to wrap myself in duct tape and the only difference from when I was 10 is that I didn’t give myself a title. Which really perplexed people: “What ARE you?! A mummy? Bee man? Tape man? Hazard guy?” [Read more →]

Ever started parallel parking only to have your stick get jammed and refuse to go into reverse? Sucks. Fortunately there was an extra large spot that could be coasted into. Oh, except “park” is on the other side of “reverse” and if you can’t go beyond reverse and into park you can’t take the keys out of the ignition. And therefore you can’t lock the car. And therefore you can’t go home to urinate without risking getting your car stolen (which would be difficult because it would require a second person to push the car in reverse out of the parking spot while the other mans the wheel, but still).

The good thing is that the roof had been popping off for about 6 months now but we’ve been too lazy to take it in to get fixed. This way we didn’t even have to drive it in to the shop!

At this point I’d still recommend the little bugger but that feeling may change if new problems arise after the warranty has ended.

This one’s called the Department of Homeland Security. You don’t have to actually be a part of the Department of Homeland Security but you can buy this and it will look like maybe you are. People may take you a bit more seriously. They may act a bit nervous around you.

This one’s called the Et Cetera! It doesn’t actually have the “!” at the end but it should. Saying “Et cetera!” with emphasis! sounds exciting! and is Latin! for “and other things!”

I saw this many months ago and was too cheap to purchase it ($3). I’ve lived in regret ever since but am happy to report that for about an hour I’ve had in my possession the best thing ever. I will certainly never eat this soup but instead give it away. Rivals special lady as best gift ever.

I can’t believe I love knowing I’m this happy to be knitting! Frig!

So on my ride to work in the mornings I usually pass this dreamcatcher made of thick metal wire and industrial grade ribbon. Probably good for catching REALLY bad dreams.

My reverse fortune was told to me by bazooka joe gum this morning. Pretty cool huh? I was all worried I was going to be late this morning and then I wasn’t and then there was this gum saying “late” to me. I thought it was saying “you’re late” even though I wasn’t but now I realize it was just discussing the concept of lateness, which I was experiencing an absence of. I’m only realizing just now how happy this gum made me.

For the last month, for free, pretty much all the faucets in the basement here at work are no longer releasing clean water but instead provide free apple cider. It’s nice until you have to clean something.

I had one of those moments where I saw an item and thought “So-and-so MUST have that!” In fact, nearly every time I walk by those vendors down by the mall selling lame DC souvenir t-shirts I have this feeling regarding a certain special person in my life. I’d say but then it would ruin the surprise, in case that reader actually visits this page before receiving the gift. And so here it is:

Sometimes things are so ugly they’re good. This isn’t really one of those. Man, it’s just ugly! Impressive how ugly it is. He’ll love it!

This one actually looks kinda nice. Clean and simple. It might actually get worn. Especially because the recipient lives in another country where people might just think you’re cool for wearing a McCain shirt (cool cuz you obviously don’t really like him). If I wore this in DC I’d actually be a little worried someone might hit me, or at least hate me. Oh - I’m smiling because my wife just told me she cannot stand to look at me.

The caper is this baby. This one was pinned up against the back wall of the vendor’s truck, on display. I asked, “Special Lady - large please.” He said they haven’t actually had Special Lady in over 3 years. It’s just sat there. I asked how much (in my head my limit was $30 - I had to have it). He said he’s been selling these shirts for 25 years and doesn’t do business like that - selling dirty shirts. I kept a straight face and nearly flipped when he said I could just have it for free. It’s absurdly wide (someone suggested for large breasted women, hence the “special”?). It still has a yellow tinge around the logo, where it was exposed to street air for years on that back wall. I’d love to have a Special Lady (the shirt, not a real lady) of my own but I’ll love giving this one away even more. Enjoy, Buttface.

When I take my mice out of the pool I dry them with a paper towel and set the wet towel to dry on a downdraft table so I can reuse it because I’m concerned about the environment. The towel spoke to me the other day. It said “Africa.”

Or maybe it was the table that spoke, speaking to me through the towel. Because later it seemed to say “Africa, post-additional continental drift.”

In Vancouver there are trees with penises. Penii?

WHAT HAPPENED TO 3% MILK STARBUCKS?!?!?!?!?!?

When you’re world class like I am you simply don’t have time to be “blogging” all the time. In fact, I was too busy being on a panel of expert scientists, discussing the progress and pitfalls of stem cell research. Many important ideas were shared, and the importance of these ideas was directly proportional to the quality of the hand gestures used for emphasis. Many people told me after my talk that they liked my ideas best, because I was the cleanest speaker on the panel. Because I showered just beforehand.

Another quality sign in the apartment building elevator.

So check out this gem a coworker just found. All I could think is, “I hope someday I can create an acronym like “ASS” and get it published, in the title no less.” I had to see if it was legit so I went to the journal and found the intended title. Unfortunately, Ass Inhibition doesn’t really exist - it looks like it was just a typo.

But then what happened? Did the editors miss a big “Ass” in the title?! A little bit of detective work uncovered that the authors are from Germany and over there they have that little symbol that stands for two S’s in English (ß) BUT, unfortunately for them, also looks like a beta. So a beta turned into a ß turned into SS thereby creating ASS. Funny.

Every single day I have to unravel my headphone knot. If my ipod+headphones go in my pocket for anything longer than 5 min this is the problem I face. Today I had enough and decided to put this in perspective:

Amount of my life wasted = (3 times per day) x (45 sec to unravel) x (5 days per week) x (52 weeks per year) x (40 years of my life where I could be using these types of earphones)

= 1,404,000 seconds
= 390 hours
= 16.25 days
= 2+ weeks

Update! Related thought I just had: How much of our time is spent pooping?

(1.5 times per day) x (7.5 min per session) x (7 days per week (no holidays here!)) x (52 weeks per year) x (75 years per human life)

= 213 days = 30 weeks = 0.58 years. If you count the time also spent peeing, washing our hands and getting to the bathroom etc., we easily spend a year of our lives doing excretion-related tasks!

Moreover, is this time wasted?  Does Lifehacker have a solution for this?

From the people that brought us blueberry pie flavored coffee. (I googled it but can’t find evidence, I swear I saw it though, one day, cameraless, in Toronto). I guess there are some things in nature that actually have this type of yellow color.

These colors were nice too. Funny thing is that before noticing these I was actually thinking “Boy, these pastries actually look kinda good!” I think I even saw tasty-looking croissants. Or maybe that’s a false memory.

Then there was this. Freshness can’t fix unnaturalness. The other funny thing was the choice of small font for “muffins delivered daily”. Isn’t small font like that reserved for things you’re trying to not draw attention to? Maybe true 7-Eleveners don’t like fresh muffins? (or fresh hot dogs for that matter?).

Signs can be funny on purpose, by accident, when taken out of context. Shy Nobleman: I have a girlfriend.

These are some shots of those cigarette disposal devices. In theory they’re not a bad idea. When you think about the hundreds of used butts sitting inside them its kinda gross but I usually avoid those thoughts. As I was locking up my bike I saw a lot of smoke emerging from the top though. And then some flames. And then the top melted off and was setting fire to some mulch. Before extinguishing it I quickly got some shots. I like how they make them with flammable plastic.

Impress people with this knowledge I’m about to impart.

Being a cyclist, I often arrive at work and have to change into a fresh set of clothes. Inevitably, I forget an article. Usually it’s my belt or underwear. Since I’ve recently shrunk, a belt is critical. Underwear’s not a problem - I could do like Steve Martin and wear men’s underwear (or no underwear) and nobody’d know. Although, if I forgot both my belt AND underwear there could be a problem. Until now…

Until now, I’ve had to resort to other techniques to hide my lack-of-belt problem. I’d have these days where I’d go around, hiding the fact that I wasn’t wearing a belt like everyone else. Then I invented the USB belt. I’d like to take the time to share it with you, to spare you from suffering as I have.

Before the Belt

There are several techniques one can employ to deceive others into believing you are wearing a belt when you, in fact, are not. These include but are not limited to:

1) Increase your sitting to standing ratio. For people who work at a computer this is often employed by default. For those who work both standing/walking and sitting (like myself): shift the ratio. As you can see above, had I not mentioned it, you would have no idea I’m not wearing a belt. [Read more →]

Georgetown University is a famous place. It has a basketball team which is or was good at some point in time. If you say you went to Georgetown law people are impressed. If you wear a sweater that says “Georgetown Law” people are impressed and you didn’t even have to say anything.

Clearly, Georgetown has an amazing medical center. I went there for a while and received treatment for headaches from an 85 year-old who recommended I go on a special headache diet. The references for this headache diet were from 1979*. When I found this out, the only reason I returned was to spend a bit more time in my favorite waiting room…

When I’m sick I go to the Georgetown Medical Center to see a qualified professional. Signs in the waiting room are both functional and attractively displayed. [Read more →]

This morning I totally zenned out with my cereal. I’ve never really meditated before but, since my cereal suggested it, I gave it a shot - felt great. Then I tried eating the cereal while meditating - could totally feel the difference. Zen cereal review: A+

(note: I’m not sure that this works with other cereals)

So, I’ve already discussed how you can obtain deep and meaningful friendships by purchasing exciting objects like a smartcar (probably works or, used to work, with iPhones too). Well, I was kinda joking. Then on my ride to work yesterday I found myself, in my smartcar, behind another smartcar. Cute! Then he rolled his top down and waved though the roof, I waved back. Cute! Then he pulled into the left lane, slowed down, I passed. He gave thumbs up, I returned. Still kinda cute! Then we both pulled into the same place of work - I went to my parking lot and he to his.

Then when I left work I found this note on my car - my first friend request! Note this necessitated him coming to a different parking lot to check all 7 levels for my car.

My first personal mixed feelings about whether to friend someone or not!

The ENFOCER. Who is he? (she?). What does he do? Does he “enfoce” his laws on the streets of Bethesda, in his hummer?

In case of fire do not put finger in electrical socket:

In case of low sales remove dead tree from window display:

I mean, I can count like 20+ different types (brand, size, type of vitamin added) of orange juice in this photo alone and that’s not including the ones that are too small to see. Maybe I was disappointed cuz my expectations were high - we were at Harris Teeter for the first time. Everyone kept telling me it’s a cross between Whole Foods and Trader Joes but instead it’s just a cleaner and better-stocked Safeway. Thirty kinds of orange juice, plenty of cereals that contain marshmallows and/or neon colors, a good Hormel selection (I like to put Hormel brand pork products in the blender for a quick high protein smoothie before I work out).