Impress people with this knowledge I’m about to impart.
Being a cyclist, I often arrive at work and have to change into a fresh set of clothes. Inevitably, I forget an article. Usually it’s my belt or underwear. Since I’ve recently shrunk, a belt is critical. Underwear’s not a problem – I could do like Steve Martin and wear men’s underwear (or no underwear) and nobody’d know. Although, if I forgot both my belt AND underwear there could be a problem. Until now…
Until now, I’ve had to resort to other techniques to hide my lack-of-belt problem. I’d have these days where I’d go around, hiding the fact that I wasn’t wearing a belt like everyone else. Then I invented the USB belt. I’d like to take the time to share it with you, to spare you from suffering as I have.
Before the Belt
There are several techniques one can employ to deceive others into believing you are wearing a belt when you, in fact, are not. These include but are not limited to:
1) Increase your sitting to standing ratio. For people who work at a computer this is often employed by default. For those who work both standing/walking and sitting (like myself): shift the ratio. As you can see above, had I not mentioned it, you would have no idea I’m not wearing a belt.
2) Keep your hands in your pockets. By doing this you can actually hold your pants up from the inside and nobody will know. Unfortunately this technique can be both impractical (if you need to use your hands) and odd (why does he always open the door by leaning on it?).
3) From the outside, use your forearm to apply pressure to the top of your pants. This can be done in a somewhat nonchalant fashion although it can require an odd leaning posture. One option is to lift the pants using technique #2 and then hold them up using this technique. Good if you’re standing in a single location for a bit and want to look cool (awards ceremony, national anthem etc).
4) When you pull up your pants, pull them up so high that they a) have farther to fall, and b) wrap around the fatter part of your torso. By distending your stomach, walking gently etc. you can keep your pants up for quite a while and look completely normal. Just look at how normal I look.
5) Lighten your load. Gravitational forces are trying to unite the contents of your pants pockets with the earth’s surface. Above, I am sporting olive oil in my right pocket and a large candle in my left pocket. Real items, carried by real people, that can create real problems, sans belt. Do you surprise your partner with a candlelit, homemade pesto-containing pasta or do you keep your hands in/on your pants and have food delivered?
The New Technique
The technique I’ve discovered is a simple solution to the lack-of-belt problem. It can be applied anywhere there are computers, probably including Canada. What I’m talking about is…
A male to female Universal Serious Business cable (aka USB cable).
A USB cable has several properties that make it optimal for use as a belt:
- it is much thinner than the size of most belt loops, therefore less fidgeting
- since both ends look essentially the same, you’ll never again have to worry about putting it on backwards
- it has an inoffensive, yet modern, design: suitable for all
It’s as if computer hardware people were designing a belt all along.
Just like “normal” belts, the USB belt can be adjusted for heavier users.
Form or Function?
Well, we are convinced that the USB belt is attractive. But how does it hold up against the wear and tear of everyday life? Before we get to this question, let’s have one more look at the beauty of the USB belt.
Here I am, practically passed out in a pile of recyclables. Why do I look so good?
When wearing a shirt, like proper people do, the USB belt…wait…
…my shirt is on backwards.
OK, so, as you can see, extreme leaning can cause slightly unsightly creasing. Then again, this might cause people to ask, “Hey – what kind of belt is that you’re wearing?”
The USB belt can withhold and disguise moderate amounts of leaning, however. Should you find yourself at a cafe drinking espresso, know that you need not look down to check for slightly unsightly creases.
Are you a surgeon? Do you paint names on grains of rice? Worry not – your fine motor skills are protected.
Do you cook? Yes, everybody does.
Do you ever perform mild exertions?
Extreme exertions?
Even “dirty” jobs can be performed wearing the USB belt. Note how I’m holding the garbage. This illustrates that, should you wish to take out the trash and at the same time remain dainty, you have that freedom. (Note also how I’ve exposed the USB belt for this final shot: these photos are not staged.)
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My wireless mouse belt works fine until the batteries give out . . . .
Brilliant! I’m thinking a solar powered wireless belt…
Have you considered buying new pants?
Genius!!!